This post was inspired by this podcast, which I listened to a long time ago and tried my hardest to ignore until I couldn’t anymore.
We all do it. Nope, not quit, I mean we all hang on too long. We grasp at various things in our lives as if we can’t go on without them when really those things may not be serving us anymore. Jobs, projects, relationships, material items..
This year has been really strange. To be honest, I feel like I’ve been in a fog since January. Lost. Confused. Paralyzed by options and decisions. Unable to move forward yet unable to stand still. Unsure of my path. Constantly telling myself that change is inevitable and good (I truly believe it) yet still uncertain about where the fuck I’m going. I know that’s okay. I tell myself that every damn day. I’m telling myself that at this very instant. I’ll tell myself that first thing when I wake up tomorrow and right before I close my eyes to sleep.
Over the course of the last seven months, I’ve shed most things. I’ve quit multiple jobs. Jobs that I once loved. Jobs that used to feel fulfilling, but suddenly seemed hollow. I basically quit this blog, a project I was dedicated to for over two years straight.. until one day I just wasn’t anymore. My boyfriend (and best friend) and I decided to break up after more than three years together. I moved out of the best apartment I’ve ever lived in. I gave or tossed away most of my things. I downsized.
I sheltered myself from the outside world and focused on making it through the weeks and weeks and weeks. Quitting, giving up, abandoning areas of my life that I once valued highly and dedicated myself to felt a lot like failure. It didn’t feel good, but deep down it did feel right.
It’s hard to manage when it feels like everything is churning, but eventually the sea will settle and everything will stop. Even then the calm is terrifying. Maybe more so than the churning. It’s like the silence after an enormous crash. Something, everything, has just happened, but now it is still and where do I go from here? I’m not sure, but I know there’s an upside of quitting. I can’t say for certain that I’ve found it yet, but I’m trusting in the process. I’m going with my gut and I’m pushing the fear of uncertainty aside each day until opportunity presents itself.
I hope when you are dealing with enormous change you will allow yourself the same space to heal and grow. I also hope you will take long walks in the woods with friends and allow others in so they can encourage you to come out once more.
These images were shot by Saleem Ahmed & Katherine Albin. Two wonderfully talented photographers and friends.